My Redwall
by wweather
Summary: Ramona is a cool and gothic half-mouse, half-squirrel, who lives at Redwall Abbey. When she meets Matthias sparks will fly.
1. Chapter 1

My Redwall

Chapter 1

This story is dedicated 2 the late Brian Jacques. Do u think he would like it?

Hi, my name is Ramona Darkfur Shadow'ness Ebony Lee, and I'm a sqouse, which is a pentagram between a squirrel and a mouse. I'm also a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have black fur with pink streaks in it (that's how I got my name), and limpid blue eyes. I'm not related to Amy Lee of Evanescence even though we have the same last name but a lot of animals tell me I look like her. I live at a big castle called Redwall Abbey where there are lots of cool and gothic animals like mice and squirrels and moles and badgers. But sometimes we get attacked by the bad animals, the vermin.

Anyway, today I was walking in the Abbey courtyard. It was snowing and also raining at the same time so there was no sun which I was very happy about. I was wearing a gothic black top, a black miniskirt and black ripped-up jeans.

And then suddenly I heard a voice call "Hi Ramona!"

I gasped. It was… Matthias!

"Hi," I said back shyly but then I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

TO BE CONTINUED

AN: IS it good? Please tell me fangs!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Stop flaming my story, u stupid prepz! This story is only 4 da reel goffs who like MCR and Hot Topic. And mice and squirrels aren't dat different, theyre both rodents so they could theoretically reproduce. If Brian Jakes can put a werat (half-weasel, half-rat) in one of the books than I can put a sqouse in my story.

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I pushed my long black headfur up out of my eyes and sat up. I took off my giant MCR t-shirt that I used for pajamas. Instead I changed into a long black dress with sequins. I put on black eyeliner, black foundation, and black nail polish. Then I slipped into my black high heels.

My friend Jess Squirrel smiled at me understatedly. It turns out that Jess's parents were really vampire squirrels. Cluny the Scourge murdered her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. Now she was a goth just like me. She's also half-japanese so she speaks it and everything.

"Hey, Ramona!" she said. "You look really kawaii (AN: Japanese 4 cute) today."

"Fangs," (Get it, cause I'm gothic?) I said back. "You do too."

We went down to the Great Hall (No not the one from Harry Potter!) for breakfast. I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk and also a glass of red blood. I had to drink it fast before it congealed.

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Matthias yesterday!" Jess said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said.

"You like him, don't you?" she teased.

"OMFG no I don't!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah right!"

Just then Matthias came and sat next to us at the table. "Hey, Ramona, Evanescence is giving a concert in Mossflower Woods this evening… Do you want to go with me?"

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: PREPS STOP FLAMING! Ramona's name is RANOMA not Mary Sue ok?

On the night of the concert, I changed into a black Good Charlotte t-shirt (They r my favorite band next 2 Evanescence) and a low cut gothic red dress with black ripped up jeans underneath. Then I was feeling depressed so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book called _Outcast of Redwall_ while I waited for the blood to dry. Then I went downstairs. Matthias was waiting for me in the Great Hall. He was wearing a black leather jacket and black baggy pants.

"You look hot," he said.

"Fangs, you do too," I replied.

Then we went out of the Abbey and into the woodlands. Soon we had reached the place where the concert was. There was a stage set up in the middle of the forest and a crowd of gothic animals was there cheering. Evanescence was up there performing but it was an animal version of Evanescence since this is the Redwall world where everyone is an animal so they were all mice or something.

"I'm so tired of being here,

Repressed by all my childish fears,"

Amy sang. (I do not own da lyrics 2 that song.)

We moshed sexily to the music.

"Amy is so hot," Matthias said.

I stopped in my tracks. _What if he likes Amy better than me?_ I thought. I got a sad look upon my face. Matthias noticed.

"Ramona, what's wrong?" he asked, looking into my face. I could see his gothic red eyes filled with so much depressing sorrow and evilness. Then Matthias caught on to what was making me upset. "Hey, it's okay," he said. "I don't like her better than you!"

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah really. Besides I don't even know her and I think she's going out with some other guy," he said as he put his arm around me sensitively in the mosh pit.

We talked to each other in silence for the rest of the concert. Afterwards we went out drinking with the band and got their autographs. But then, instead of going back to Redwall, we went… deeper into the forest!

We were all alone in a clearing now and I took of my…. OMG MY BRA!

He touched me on teh boob. Even my nipplee. And then suddenly…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was… Abbot Mortimer!


	4. Chapter 4

Stop flaming my story preps ok! The only reason the Abbott swore is because he had a headache!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Abbot made and Matthias and I followed him. I started to cry and Matthias comforted me.

"You ludicrous fools!" Abbot Mortimer kept shouting at us all the way back to Redwall.

When we got back to Redwall Constance Badger and Foremole were standing in the Great Hall.

"I caught these two preparing to have intercourse in the forest!" The Abbot told them.

"Whoi did ee doo such a thing, yew mediocre dunces?" Foremole shouted.

"How dare you?" demanded Constance.

And then Matthias shrieked, "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everybeast was silent for a moment. Father Abbot and Foremole still looked angry but Constance said, "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

We started to go but Abbot Mortimer called me back into the room as everyone else was leaving.

"Ramona, Ranoma," he said sadly. "When will you learn to walk with humility and dignity, as befit's a creature of Redwall, rather than strutting about like a cheap hooker all the time?"

"You're just jealous because I'm so cool and gothic!" I angried back at him.

He led me over to where a tapestry of a heroic mouse was hanging on the wall. "This is Martin the Warrior, the first great hero of Redwall," he said. "When Martin first came to Mossflower, the land was controlled by an evil cat named Tsarmina and her vermin horde. But Martin led a courageous fight against Tsarmina with his mighty sword and liberated the woodlanders. After the battle he hung up his sword and led a life of peace, and now nobeast knows where his sword is. Why can't you be more like him?"

Abbot Mortimer sighed. "Well anyway, it's time for you to go to bed now."

So I went up to my bedroom. I changed into a gothic floor-length red dress that had "bich" and other misspelled swear words written on it kinda like a dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Then Matthias appeared in the doorway of the room, looking just like a pentagram between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. I was very flattered even though he wasn't supposed to be there.

"Ramona, I don't care what anyone else says about you. I love you no matter what. I just want to be with you!" And then he started singing "My Immortal" to me. (We considered it our song now because we fell in love while Evanescence was performing it at the concert.) We kissed some more and then he went back to his room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next morning, I woke up in my coffin again. I went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. I ate some more Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk. Suddenly somebeast bumped into me from behind and made me spill it all over myself.

"Thanks a lot! That was a brand new dress!" I shouted.

"I'm terribly sorry, wot wot," said a voice with a sexy English accent. I looked up and saw a hot gothic hare. He had died his fur black now and he was wearing a black ripped up suit with Vans.

"Hi," I said flintily. "I'm Ramona Darkfur Shadow'ness Ebony Lee."

"My name's Basil Stag Hare, although everybeast calls me Vampire these days, wot," he grumbled.

"Why?" I interrogated.

"Because I love the taste o' blood, don't ya know!" he answered.

"Well, I am a vampire," I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah!" I roared.

We talked to each other in silence for a few more minutes, and it turned out we had a lot in common!

"Do you like Good Charlotte?" he asked me.

"Yeah do you like MCR?" I said.

"Yeah."

Then Matthias came. "Come on Ranoma we have to go now," he said.

"Ok bye Vampire," I said and waved to him as we went up to Matthias's room.

Vampire Stag Hare stared after us with a sad kind of look on his face. He was probably jealous of me because I was going out with Matthias.

Well anyway we came up to Matthias's room. Then we started to make out passively. Matthias got all aroused and started to take of his shirt but then I saw the tattoo on his chest. On it were the words… Vampire!

I was so mad and sad. "Matthias how could you cheat on me with Vampire?" I cried.

"No! Wait! It's not what you think!" he said but it was too late. I already knew too much.

"Leave me alone, you idiot!" I screamed as I ran nakedly out of the room and down the hall. "You probably have rodent AIDS anyway!"


	5. Chapter 5

Special fangs 2 every1 who liked my story, except 4 the stupid prep flamers! Also why does every1 say this is a troll fic? This story doesn't have no trolls in it, not even one.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I ran back into the Great Hall, where Vampire was still eating. Hares all have enormous appetites, even when they're goffik vampires.

"Vampire, how could you cheat on me with Matthias?" I shooted angrily.

"That's a good question, since we're not even in a relationship, wot wot," he said.

Then Matthias came running in. "Ranoma, you don't understand! This isn't what it looks like!"

"How could it not be what it looks like?" I yielded. "I saw your tattoo that said 'Vampire!'"

"It might not refer to me, y'know," said Vampire. "It might just be about vampirism in general."

I don't know what Ramona was so upset about. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ramona) but we broke up because he liked some stupid prep named Cornflower. (AN: See, I didn't for get about Cornflower!) We were just good friends now. Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.

"F U, I'm out of here!1" I shooted and ran out of the Abbey and deep into Mossflower Woods.

Soon I was out of sight of Redwall Abbey. I stated to cry because I was so mad and sad. Then, all of a suddenly, an evil rat with a big tail and only one eye and everything came out of the woods. He was missing an eye (bascilly like Cluny in the TV series) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Cluny the Scourge!

"Ranoma!" he yielded. "Thou must kill Vampire Stage Hare!"

I gasped. I thought of Vampire's beautiful red eyes that looked so much like Matthias's. I didn't want to kill him even if he did try to steal my boyfriend from me. Then I got a lightbulb. I remembered how Matthias had said I didn't understand, so I thought, _What if Vampire went out with Matthias before I went out with him and they broke up?_

"Please don't make me kill him please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he said. "If thou does not, I shalt kill thy beloved Matthias!"

"How do you know about Matthias?" I asked in a gothic way. (Get it, WAY like Gerard way?)

"I hath telekinesis," he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, than I shallot kill thee and Matthias!" Then he got on his horse and rode away.

I didn't know what to do. I was scared but not in an afraid way. Then Matthias came to me. "Hey Ramona, I'm sorry," he said. "I should have told you. I went out with Vampire before I went out with you but we're through now. I never cheated on you."

"It's okay," I expelled and we walked back to Redwall together making out.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day I was hanging out with Jess in our bedroom.

"BTW u can call me Mavis now after the chick from Hotel Transylvania," she said.

"Kawaii," I smiled happily. We watched some gothic movies together like the Corpse Bride and the Night Mare Before Xmas. Then suddenly I burst into tears.

"What's the matter?" Mavis asked concernedly.

"Well, Cluny the Scourge told me to kill Vampire Stag Hair," I told her. "But I don't want to kill him even if he does like Matthias! But if I don't kill him, Cluny will kill Matthias!"

Suddeny Matthias leaped out from under the bed.

"Why did you not tell me?" he cried. "You- you poser vermin bitch!" He ran away crying.

"Shouldn't you go after him?" Mavis asked.

"Nah, he's probably just going to slit his wrists or something. Since he's a vampire too, also, to, he can only be killed by a cross or a steak," I said.

"Kawaii," she said. We talked to each other in silence for the rest of the movie.

Then Abbot Mortimer came in. There was a look of inside of his face that I knew was wrong.

"Ramona what have you done!" he said. "Matthias has been found dead in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." He started to cry wisely. I gasped.


	6. Chapter 6

Ho dare you say bade things about my grate gothik story! C if u think THIS chapter is stupid because it deals with really serious issues. BTW special fangs 2 Renya Vulpez 4 suggesting that I add a fox to the story.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh my goth! (Geddit cos im goffik)!" I cried. "How can Matthias be dead?"

"Yah, u just said that slitting his wrists wouldn't kill him!" exclaimed Mavis.

I ran to my room where I had lost my virility to Matthias. Abbot Mortymer chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I got to my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

I took out a knife and prepared to slit my slits so I could rejoin my beloved Matty but it didn't work because I'm a vampire and vampires can only b killed by a C-R-O-S-S (No way I'm writing that) or a steak.

And then I looked out my window aand gasped!1 Ambrose Spike was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Fourmole was masticating to it!

"OM NOM NOM NOM" Fourmole said as he chewed on the cideo camera. "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"

I screamed. "OMFG you pervs stop looking at me naked! Are you pedos or what!" I was disgusted but also a bit flattered because at least they were giving me attention.

Vampire Stag Hare came in2 the room, munching on a apple.

"I say! Wot's all the- OMFFG! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! EULALIA!" He hurdled his half-eaten apple at Spike and Fourmole. It hit Ambrose in the stomach and he dropped the camera.

Then Abbot Mortimer came. "What's going on in here?" he demanded preppily.

"These two were spying on me and masticating!" I said.

"Hurr, oi weren't masticating, ee wurd be macerating!" Fourmole protested.

"I say, folks, hang on a tick," Vampire interjected. "Wot's all this talk about masticatin' an' maceratin'? The bally word is mastur-"

But just then Chickenhound ran outside and said everybeast we need to talk.

"What do you know, Chickenhound? You're just a little fox!"

"I may be a fox." Chickenhound paused angrily. "But I'm also a Satinist!"

"This cannot be," Ambrose Spike said in a Crisp voice as he rubbed his injured stomach. "There must be otter factors."

"YOU DON"T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Fourmole held up the camera triumelephantly. "Ee lens may be ruined, but ee tape still be thurr!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

"Whoi are you'm a-doin' this?" Fourmole said angrily as he rubbed his dirty paws on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had herd before but not from him. I did not no weather to feel happy or sad or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"Because… Because…" Chickenhound paused dramatically. Then swooped he in singing a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

"Because you're gothic?" Ambrose said in an scared voice because he was afraid it meant Chickenhound was connected with the Great Vulpuz.

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"


	7. Chapter 7

Stop flaming prepz! I'm nut a troll! A troll is a fantasy creative that only exist in books 4 preps!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was so mad and sad. I took out the silver dagger Matthias had givin me in case I was ever attacked by Cluny. I was about to slit my wrists when suddenly…

There was a flash of magic and Vampira fell down! "OMFG! NO! My scar hurts!" he cried.

I ran to him. "I thought you didn't havea scar anymore!" I said.

"Well, as a matter o' fact, I don't, wot wot! But I do have an honorable war wound that I picked up while servin' in the jolly old Lung Patrol, an' it started givin' me jip. An' then I had a vision o' wot was happenin' to Matthias… Clooney has him bondage!11"

Well anyway, I was in Sister May's infirmary recovering from my slit wrists. And Abbot Mortymore had constipated the cideo camera Ambrose and Fourmole took of me. Chickenhound came into my hospital bed.

"What are U doing hear u PREP!" I snapped at him. He had made fun of me before 4 being gothic.

"I saved your life!" he angried at me.

"No you didn't," I replied. "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p-video made from my shower scene and being vued by Ambrose and Fourmole." Who MASTABATED (c is dat spelld rong) to it he added silently.

"Whatevar!" I said.

"Look, I'm nut a prep or a vermin. I'm just as goffic as you," Chickenhound said as he pulled out a copy of Twilight.

"Twilight isn't a goff thing it's a poser thing!" I said. "Stephanie Meyer doesn't no what it's like to be a real vampire."

"I'm a goth and I'll prove it," Chickenhound angried. And then… he started to sing.

"These wounds won't seem to heel

This payne is just to reel

There's just sew mucj that tim cannot erase."

I gasped. Now I knew he was not a prep.

"Okay I believe you now wtf where'd Matthias?'

"I don't not no," relied Chickenhound. "But this Abbey must be a veritable treasure trove to a cunning young fox."

Anyway after I recovered I went to gaze at the tapestry of Martin the Warrior.

"Oh, Martin. You're so brave and beautiful. Just like me! :D:D:D:D:D I wonder what you would do in my situation. If only I could find your lost sword," I said in a gothic way.

And then I heard a noise behind me. I turned around. It wax.. Vampire!

"OMFG! NO! My scar hurts!"

I ran to him. "I thought you didn't havea scar anymore!" I said.

"Well, as a matter o' fact, I don't, wot wot! But I do have an honorable war wound that I picked up while servin' in the jolly old Lung Patrol, an' it started givin' me jip. An' then I had a vision o' wot was happenin' to Matthias… Clooney has him bondage!11


	8. Chapter 8

Stop flassing da story prepz ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Vampire and I ran to find the Father Abbot. We finally discovered him down in Cavern Hole.

"Mortimer Mortymore!" we cried. The Abott gave us the angry face.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked.

"Clooney has Matthias!" we said. The Abbott stated loafing meanly.

"No! Don't! we need to save Matthias!" we begged.

"I don't give a darn what Cluny does to Matthias," he said. (See, that's basically not swearing.) "Not after how much he misbehaved at the Abbey especially with YOU Ranoma." Then he went away.

"All right then, I guess it's up to us, wot wot!" Vampire hared. (Get it cause he's a hair?)

"Okay!" is aid. "Let's find Clooney's lair and save Matthias!"

So we set off into Mossflower, looking for Clooney's vermin camp. On the way Vampir sang a gothic version of a Lung Petrol marching song. We walked 4 ours and ours and ours maybe even 4 daes but eventually we maked to Cloney's camp. There were lots of rats around and also an Irish ferret named Killconey.

"Ok we need to use stealth if we're goin' to find Matthias, wot wot," Vampire whispered darkly. Then we charged into the ranks of the vermin, screaming.

"REDWALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLK!" we cried. We killed a bunch of da stupid vermin preps with our vampire powers.

After we fought our way across the battlefield we came to Cluny's warlord tent and we saw his siloutte on the wall inside. We ran to the place where Clooney was but it turned out that Cluny wasn't there. Instead the rat Cheesethief was. He was dressed up in Clooney's armor and eating cheese.

"Hell-o (Geddit, hell, cos im goffik) old chap!" said Vampire. "I say, are you eatin' cheese?" He also ate some cheese as it was tasti.

"THERE IS NO TIME FOR CHEESE!" I yellowed and I threw the chees to the floor and stamped on it. "Now wtf is my Matthias? If u tell I won't kill u."

"Rid my sight you disciple preps!" Cheesethief shooted but then he thought "I don't want 2 die ok Matthias is tied up in the corner over there."

We looked over at the coroner. (Get it cause I'm goffic and I lik death?) Sure enouff, there was Matthias, tied up with a rop.

"Ranoma and Vampire!" he explaimed.

"We have cum 2 save u, wot wot!" said Vampire. We untied him and tied Cheesthief up in his palace.

"Cheesethief what art thou doing?" Clooney called from outside. Then… he started cumming! We cold hear his high heels clacking to us. So we ran away fastly.

"Help me, Chief. The woodlanders captured me," Cheesethief wined.

"I shall free u Cheesethief but first thee must help me catch those goffs," Cluuny answered.

"Butt how can I do that if I'm tied up?" Cheesethief protested preppily. We didn't hear them say anything elsa because we were gone by then.

We ran all the way back to Redwall.

"Fangz for saving me," said Matthias.

"ur welkom," I relied.

"Hey MCR is givin' a concert in Mossflower 2nite do u guys wanna cum?" said Vampire.

"That sounds kawaii," I said and then Vampire, Matthias, and I both went to the contort 2getha.


	9. Chapter 9

Stop Flaimg ok! If u do the prep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Well Vampire Matthias and I went to the concert. I was wearing a gothic blak dress with high heals. Vampire was waring a black leather Jackson, a black Simple Plan t-shit (they would play at the show too) and black baggy pants. Matthias was just wearing a green Redwall habit.

We moshed to the music at da fornt of da crowd. I danced with Matthias, then with Vampire, ant then I wactched as the 2 of dem danced 2gether. (AN: Don't u think gay guys are so hot!) But then suddenly Gerard took off his mask. So did the other bad members. I gosped… It wasn't them at all. It was instead… Clooney da Scurge and his rats!1

"OMFG Matthias!" I shooted. "I'm not going to another concert with you! Not after what happened last time!"

"It won't happen again," he promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."

"So does that mean you're becoming a prep or a Cristina or what now?"

"No I swer!" he said.

I stated to cry wisely. "Why does everything have to be so complicated? I love u, but you're into Vampire Stag Hair! Except Vampire and I are in luv with each odder 2, and Chickenhound is a poser who listens 2 Avril Lavine, and Ambrose Snap and Fourmole took a cideo camera of me! I'm too good at too many things! Y can't I just b normal? IT'S A FJUKING CURSE!"

I ran away crying. Matthias chased after me shouting but he had 2 stop when he got 2 my room cause he wood look like a perv that way.

On the way I met Formole. "Hurr, can Oi burrow (get it cause he's a mole) some condoms?" he asked.

"STFU!" I shooted at him and left. Abot Mordimor had worned us 2 be carful of him and Ambrose Spike because they were pedofiles.

When I got 2 my room Mavis was there.

"Hajimemashite gurl," she said. (Dat's Japanish 4 how do you do?)

"Hajimemashite,'' I sed back.

"So are you goin 2 da concet tonight?" Mavis asked me?

"Yah I said I'm going with Matthias and Vampire."

"Kawaii," Mavis repelled. "I'm going with John Churchmouse only we call him Jack Churchmouse now after Jack Skeleton frum Das NightMARE b4 Xmas."

"Kawaii," I said. "Well, we need 2 get sum knew clothes 4 the concert. Where do you want 2 do it at?"

"Well, I found this grate godfic clothing store in Mossflower Woods," she answered.

"Hot Topik right?" I asked already getting out my loyalty card.

"No."

"WHAT?" I couldn't believe my ears. "Mavi PREP?"

"NOOOO! NOOOO!" Mavis Squirrel laughed as she shook her head energetically and lethargically. "I just found this great new palce."

"Well ok I'll try it out," I said so we wented 2 da new store together.

As we went throw the dore we were greeted by a todilly hot sexah goffik bi guy. (How did I know he was bi? Becuz he was in dis story.) He was wearing a Black Marylin Manson t-shirt and black ripped-up jeans.

"Hay I'm Log-a-Log," he said shrewishly. (GEDDIT COS HES A SHEREW) "I'm da chieftain of da Gousim. That stands 4 Gothic Union of Shrews in Mossflower. But u can call me Frank Einstein."

"I'm Ramona Darkfur Shadow'ness Enoby Lee. Can u help us find gothic clothes 4 the concert tonight?" I assed him.

"Sure maybe I'll see you there," Frank Einstein answered with a shrewd (geddit) wink.

"Maybe not cos I am going with my bfs Mattihas and Vampire you sick perv!" I shooted.

"He flirted slightly with u, so he must b a sick perv!" Mavis argreed.

Frank rummaged in the back of da store and came out (get it cause he's bisezual?) with a gothic low cut black dresser with sequins. "Here put this on," he said.

While I was changing, Logalog and Mavis struk up a conservation. "You wouldn't believ how many posers there are in these woodlands, man," Frank Einstein sayed. "Yesterday Ambrose and Fourmole tried to by a gothic camera pouch."

"Oh no they're gonna spy on me again!" I cried as I ran out of the dressing room.

Mavis looked at me approvingly. "You look rely kowai in dat dress."

"Yah," Frank Einstein nodded. "You no wht? I am gona give i free because you look so sexy in that outfit."

"Fangs," I said.

I left the store with my new clothes and went back to the Abbey. I went into the Grate Hal. Then I gasped because…

Ambrose Snake and Fourmole were doin it in the middle of the hall! And Silent Sam was watching!111

Quickly I garbed the camera and snapped a picture of them.

"Well excuse me!" Ambores yielded as he took his thingy out of Fourmole's. "What was dat al about?"

"Ambrose, Fourmole, WTF?" I shooted. "Is dat why you wanted condems?"

"Oanly u wudden't give 'em to oi!" Fourmole angeried.

"Now I can use this tape to blackmail you!" I said.

Well then I went to see Brother Sinister, the only one of the Abbey Elders that I actually like. Sinister used to be called Methuselah, but he changed his name when he became a gothic vampire. He was very old, like a mouse that was old. He's also Japanish.

I found Brother Trevolry down in Cavern Hole with Matthias. "Hajimemashit Ramona," he said. "Me and Matthias here are trying to figure out this riddle maed by Martin the Warrior."

"Yah this riddle is very hard and it goes like dis," Matthias said.

" **Who says that I am dead**

 **Knows not at all**

 **I- Ranoma-**

 **Two mice within Redwall."**

"It's no use," sighed Brother Sinister. "Martin is to smart 4 us. We can't figure out his riddles."

Then I had a light bulb. "Look!" I exclaimed. "In the third line, with the words _I-Ranoma,_ there is a dash between them. And Ranoma is my name, Ramoma, with the letters all mixed up. I must be the reincarnation of Martin da Warrior, and I need to find his sord and rid the land of Clooney da Scurge!"

Well then Vampire Matthias and I went to the concert. I was wearing a gothic blak dress with high heals. Vampire was waring a black leather Jackson, a black Simple Plan t-shit (they would play at the show too) and black baggy pants. Matthias was just wearing a green Redwall habit.

We moshed to the music at da fornt of da crowd. I danced with Matthias, then with Vampire, ant then I wactched as the 2 of dem danced 2gether. (AN: Don't u think gay guys are so hot!) But then suddenly Gerard took off his mask. So did the other bad members. I gosped… It wasn't them at all. It was instead… Clooney da Scurge and his army of rats!1


	10. Chapter 10

I sed stop flaiming! Your just jealous because ur preps! And the reason Clooney doesn't lik Matthias now is cause he's Christian and Matthias is a Stanist!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ramona!" Cluny yielded evilly. "Thou hath not killed Vampire Stag Hare yet! If thou does not kill him soon I shall kill Matthias! And if thou dost kill Vampire before I kill him then I shall kill thee and Matthias anyway!"

The sky got all dark and thumber rundled overhead. Some of the preps in the crowd got sacred and fell on the floor crying. Then suddenly a gothic old mouse appeared and chased Clooney away. He was waering a long black robe and he had died his hare black. I couldn't believe it… it was Abbot Mortimore!

The necks day I woke up in my coffi nand drank some blood from a bottle I had. I was feeling even more depressed then usual because I knew that MCR wasn't gonna do the concert again because Clooneu had hijacked it twice now. I put on an Evanescense t-shirt and a black mini with MCR lyrics written on it. Then I whent down to the Great Hal.

I sat at a table with my fiends. (Gettit cos im Gothik?) Matthias was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. He looked just like a pentagram of Joel Madden and Gerard Way. Vampire was wearing a Good Charlotte shirt and ripped up jeans. He also looks like a pentagram of Jeol Maden and Gerard Way. Mavis was wearing a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic shirt from Hot Topik and she looked like a pentagram of Amy Lee and a girl version of Gerard Woy.

The walls were painted black but you cuold tell that they had been pink before. There were pastors of poser bands like the Backstreet Boys everywhere. The stoopid preps like Cornflower were ale happy but us goffs were digested.

Then Abbot Mortimer came. His fur was still blcak. "Hello everybeast," he said. "We are here to start another day at Redwall for all the gothic animals."

"WTF I thought he just died his fur black to get rid of Clooney!" I said.

"OMFG Maybe he's havin a mid-life crises!" said Mavis.

Then I herd somebeast shooting angrily behind me. I turned around… it was Vampire! He and Matthias were shooting at each other.

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Matthias at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"

"No I do!" I shouted.

"No, she doesn't even like you, you son of a butch!" said Matthias.

"No F U, she laves me not you, wot wot!" Vampire shouted. And then… he jumped on Matthias. (no not inn that way) They started to fight and beet each other up but then they got turned on and started making out instead.

"Stop it right now you horny simpletons!" shouted Preacher Constance.

Then an horrible rat jumped through the window and smashed the glass. He had a huge tail and only one eye. Vampire and Matthias stopped fighting… I shopped eating… the room fell silent… Clooneuy Da Scurge!

"Ranona… Ramona," Swartt Sixcaw said evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thee and Matthias and Vampire only not yet." He exited through the windo and rode off on his whorse again.

I started to cry tears off blood like in Vimpire Choronicles. Matthias put his arm around me all comfortingly. Then… I had a vision.

I was in a cave and I saw the sword of Martian! It was rapped in the coils of an evil and preppy-looking snake. "Asmodeus… Asmodeus," he hissed snakily.

I gasped.

"Ramona r u all right?" asked Matthias.

"Wot happened?" said Vampire.

"I just saw a creepy vision where a snake had the sowrd of Martin the Warrior! And he kept saying Asmodeus!"

"OMFG maybe you're being possessed like in Da Ring 2!" Mavis exclaimed.

"Hmm maybve," I said. "Well I have Deviation now so I can ask old Brother Sinister about it."

I went to find Bother Sinister. "Brother Trevolry, have u ever heard of a snake called Asmodeus?"

Sinister gasped and dropped his glass of blood. "Ho did u no about Asmodues?"

"I just saw him in a vision," I said. "And he had the sword of Martin! I have to find him and kill so I can reclaim the sord 4 Readwell Abbey. Do u no were he lives?"

"No," said Brother Sinister. "But I know who might. I will tell you what you must due…"

And then we suddenly saw… Chickenhound steeling a sack full of candlesticks!

"What d'you think you're doing, you young rouge?" Brother Sinatra demanded.

But Chickenhound did not answer. Instead he coshed Sinister over the head with the sack and he fell 2 the floor dead.

"You sun of a bitca!" (buffy rox!11) I cried. "You killed Brother Trevolry!"

Chickenhound just laughed and ran away into Mossfloweer Woods.

Well then I went to talk 2 the Abbot to tell him about mi visions.

"Sire!" I said to him. "I just had a vision of where the sord of Marian is… Asmodeus has it bondage!1"

Mortymore started to cockle. "Ha ha aha! And how due u aspect me 2 know that Ramona's not divisional?"

"You know perfectly well I'm not decisional," I said. "Now go get some beasts out to look 4 da sword- pornto!"

He just laught at me. Then I new that I would get know help from him. I wood have 2 find the sword by myself.

AN: Twilight is 4 posers!


	11. Chapter 11

Shut up preps! This is frum da tv series so its not my fault if Father Abbot swears! Besides I SIAD HE HAD A HEADACHE! And the other reason he swore is because he was tryin 2 be goffic.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I walked 2ward the Abbey gates. I was wearing da same thing I wore when I last described my utfit. Mattihas and Vampire Stag Harry were waiting at the gate 4 me.

"Ranoma did u hear?" said Matthias. "That prep Chickhound just got killed."

"Yah said Vampire he tried 2 escape after he killed Sinister butt Asmodeus bit him an' he died, wot wot!"

"And after he dyed Fourmole did it with him because he's a nekphilak," said Matthias.

"Kawaii," I conmented happily. I was glad Chickenhound was dead because he was a poser just like Edward Cullen from Twilight. He tried 2 act like a goff b4 he died but true gotts are born not made.

"Well anyway I'm goin 2 kill da snake now," said me.

"I think you're on to something, wot wot!" said Vampire.

"No, I'm not on anything. I'm always like dis. Anyway due you guys want to cum with me?"

"Sure," they said.

So we went along throw Mossflower until we met Log-a-Log Frank Einstein and his Guosim Shews.

"Hajimemashite, Ramona," Frank Einstein greeted shrewishly. He was wearing a gothic My Little Pony t-shirt frum Hot Topic (A lot fo really kool boys watch dat show ok!) and gothic black pants.

"Hajimemashite," I sad back. "Do u know where the serpent Assmodeus lives?"

"No but I know who does. Captain Snow (AN: not the one from the hunger games lol) and Squire Julian live in a barn across the river. My shrews can take you and you're fiends across the river."

"Kawaii," I said. So we got in2 the boats.

The voyage was pleasant. We smoked cigarettes and drugs in the shrew boats. Frank Einstein sang a gothic version of a song by Bobby Darin on the way.

"Hey, Log a Log, can we 'ave a good ol' traditional Guosim rowin' song instead?" a preppy young shrew named Mingo asked.

"U stupid prep!" Frank Einstein shooted. "I told you, my name is Frankenstein now!" He pushed Mingo out of the boat and he drowned. Matthias, Vampire, and I applauded.

Win we had crossed the river, Frank Einstein sayed "Ok there's the barn. U guys go on in but us shrews will stay hear because the owl and the cat might try 2 eat us."

"Fangs 4 di help," I said. Tehn Vampire, Basil, and I entered the barn. There was nobeast inside.

"Where r they?" Matthias wondered.

Then Squire Julian Gingivere flew in. "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME IS ANY1 THERE?" he called. Then we saw Captain Snow come. He started meowing.

"Hello Captain Snow," I said 2 the cat. "My fiends and I r looking 4 Asmodeus. Do u know where he is?"

"Yah he lives in da redstone quarry."

"Ok fangz," I said. Caption Snow and I did deths tuch sin. Then Matthias and and me whent to the quarry caves quick.

When we got in2 the quarrel I was horrified at what I saw. The cave walls were painted pink and there were pastors of poser bands everywhere and also lots o pics of those stupid perps Linsay Loham and Hilary Duff.

Then Assmodeus came. He was waering a pink scarf from Hollister, the preppiest of all stores! I hate da colour pink!

"Hiss," said Asmodeus. "So a bunch of stoopid goffs decided to drop in. I bet u want 2 take my sword from me."

"That sord belongs to Redwall Abbey, u preppy snake poser!" I shooted at him.

"Don't call ME a poser," said Asmodeus. "You're the one who things the height of gothic expressionism is My Little Pony." Then he bit me with his poison fangs and I died.


	12. Chapter 12

Stop flaming prepz! BMW I hav not read any of the books with Marten but Raven told me about dem and she wrote down all the names so I cud use them in my story.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Suddenly I was in fornt of the Abbey. A mouse came out of the gate. He was one of the sexiest goth guys I had ever seen. He looked just likee a pentagram between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. He was wearing a black ripped up suit with vans.

"Hey my name's Martin the Warrior," he said.

I gasped. Then I realized… I had gone back in tim instead of dyeing!

"Hello," I said 2 him flirtily. "I'm Ranoma Lee from the present time."

"Are you related to Amy Lee?" he asked.

"No, a lot of beasts think that, butt I'm not," I said. "So is this Redwall Abbey?"

"No, since this is the past, it's called Loamhedge Abbey," Martin answered. "They changed the name of this place to Redwall in 2000."

"Oh," I said. "Is Mortymort your Abbot?"

"No, Abbot Mortiwart is not born yet because it is past," said Martin. "Instead we have Abbot German. Here he comes now."

Then I saw Abbot German cum. He had blond fur and he was wearing a pink polo from Amerikan Ogle Outfiters. "No talking in da halls!" he yielded. "Stupid goffs!"

"Ugh I hate him," said Martin da Warrior. "He's always pickin on us goffs and punks."

"Yah I no," I said all sensitively. "Abbot Mortimore is the same way."

"Well do u want 2 meat my friends?" said Martin.

"Ok fangs," I said.

We went inside the Grate Hall of Readwall Abbey except it was still Loamhedge Abbey because it was past. I saw the place where the tapestry of Martin would be but now there was a gothic Beatles calendar instead. The date of the calendar said "1980." Martin led me over to a table. "Dese r my friends," he said.

There wax a mouse wearing a black leather Jackson and black ripped up jeans, a squirrel wearing a Good Charlotte t-shirt with black baggy pants (Geddit cos GC did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80's), and a stoat wearing an Evanescense t-shirt. (I no that's not 80's but just pretend it is.)

"This is Gonff the mouse thief, my best fiend," Martin said. "Only we call him Goff now. (Geddit cos im goffik) The squirrel is Felldoh, and that stoat over there is called Badrang."

"OMFS let's have a group kutting session!" exclaimed Gonff.

"Kawaii," said Feldoh.

Then a Japanese looking mouse came over to me. "I remember u," he said.

"What?" I said.

"Yeah I remembner you." Then he left. Suddenly I realized… it was Brother Sinister! Since he was a very old mouse he was only a normal aged mouse in the past.

"So what do u guys like 2 do?" I asked.

"Well, of course, we like cutting ourselves," said Goff the Mousetheif.

"And watching gothic movies like Hotel Transylvania and the Nightmare b4 Xmas," said Badrang.

"And there's this really cool store called Hot-" Martin began.

"Topic!" I finished happily.

They looked at me all confused. "No it's called Hot Ishoo," Martin said. "Than in 1998 they changed it to Hot Topik."

"We also formed a band called xxxMidniteGoffxxx," said Feldoh. "But recently our lead singer got shot and dyed. Her name was Columbine."

"That's to bad," I said.

"Well it's ok but we need a new vocalist," said Goff.

"Well, I can sing," I said. "Maybe I could do it."

"Ok," said Martin let's get our instruments.

We went out in2 the Abbey Orchard to practice.

"I play da guitar," Martin said. "Goff plays the flute. Felldoh plays the drums. And Bandang plays the piano."

"Just start singing anything and we'll jump in," said Badrang.

"I walk dese empty strets, on da bollevard of broken dramz," I sang. (I dnot own da lyriks 2 dat song.)

"Wow, that was amazing, matey!" said Goff.

"Plese will u sing in our band?" begged Goff, Martin, Feldoh and Badrang.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Well that night we gave a concert in Grate Hall. Abbot German and the other preps were eating down in Cavern Hole so they wouldn't have to hear us. I was a little nervous because we had only practiced once, but Martin assured my it would be ok.

"Well if u wonted honesty that's all u had 2 say!1111" I sang, filling the hall with my amazing ethnic voice. All the animals moshed to the music. I could see Sinister standing off to the side and he looked like he was having an organism. But then suddenly… Martin started playing the song wrong by mistake!

"OMFG!1" Goff yielded. He threw his guitar down and stopped playing. "U ruined our song!"

"Woops Im sorry!" Martin said.

"You guys are such perps!1" Badrang said.

"Yeah it's not his falut," said Feldoh. "It was a mistake!"

"U guys stop it!" I yielded but it was 2 late. They all begun 2 fight. Suddenly Goff took out his knife.

"I'm going 2 shoot your eyes out!" he shooted at Martin. (C is dat out of character?)

"NOOOO!11" Martin scramed.

All at once I new what I had to do. I jumped sexily in front off the bullet!

"No!111" everybeast yielded. And then… everything went black.


	13. Chapter 13

Special fangs 2 every1 that liked my story. BMW I just read The School For Good and Evil. It was beautiful except Sophie is a stoopid prep just like the ones dat falmed my story I don't know what Agatha sees in her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I woke up in the infirmary. A gothic mousemaid was there. "Hi, I'm Rose," she said.

"OMFG what happened?" I asked.

"U were hit by the ballet," Rose said. "But it could not kill you because you are form anodder tim."

Well anyway Rose left and I was starting to nod off when all of a suddenly a black time machine appeared in the middle of the room! And inside it was… Clooney da Scurge!

"Ramona!" he yielded passively. "Hath thou killed Vampire yet?"

"No," I sad.

"No?" he sled!

"No!" I sed.

"Okay," Cloony said and went back to the real time. I thought that something about him had been a little different, but I couldn't think what. Then I realized… this time he had had two eyes instead of one!

Then Martin, Goff, and Fellow came into the room. "OMG Martin I can't believe Gonff tried to shoot you!" I exclaimed.

"Well, to be honest, Badrang was possessed by Badrag back then," said Martin.

"Yeah he was really a vermin in disguise. He betrayed us all," said Feldoh.

We all went in2 the Grate Hall. Badrang was there sitting at our table. "OMFG!" he said. "I can't believe Goff tried to shoot Martin!"

I knew that it was really Badrang's fault that Gonff had tried to shoot Martin but I decided not to say anything for the traitor could come out at any moment.

Then suddenly I saw a totally hot sexah goffic bi guy. He looked just lik a pentagram of Joel Madden, Gerard Way, and all of the Beatles.

"Ranoma this is Skipper of Otters," said Martin. "He used to be in our band too, but he had to quit because he broke his arm."

"Hey," Skipper said in a depressed way. He had a sad look on his face and so did Martin.

Goff leaned over in my ear and whispered, "Skipper and Martin used 2 date but they broke up when Martin kicked him out of the band."

Then I had a briallant idea to get Martin and Skipper back together. I said, "Okay, Martin and Skipper, you guys r goin 2 make out now."

Martin and Skipper began 2 make out sexily. I took out a cideo camera and started to film them. The other guys watched because they were prolly bi.

But then suddenly…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUKERS!"

AND THIS TIME IT WASN'T ABBOT MORTIMORE! It was… Abbot German!

"Cum 2 mi orifice," Abbot German said meanly.

We all did guiltily.


	14. Chapter 14

Well I have nothing 2 say but SOP FLAMNIG PREPS! Siriusly! I think their will only b one moor chapter after dis so stay tuned.

XXXXXX6666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Martin, Skipper, Goff, Feldoh, Badrang, and I were in Abbot German's office.

"Be quiet, you Satanists," Abbot German cockled. "I'll teach you to copolate in Grate Hal."

"We already know how to do that, thanks," said Badredd.

"Shut up Badrang!" said Goff.

"Yeah shut up!" said Felldo.

"No you shut up Abot German!" said Martin.

"I've had enough of you goffs in my Abby!" shouted Abbot German.

But suddenly a Tim machine appeared! Andinside was Doctor Whooves from My Little Ponly: Fiendship is Magic!

"Quick get inside my Tardis so I can take you back to the real time," Said Dr. Hooves.

We all jumped in2 da tim machine but only Martin and I managed to get inside.

"You donderheads!1" Germaine screamed wisely.

Then the machine flu back to the present. "Good luck," said Hooves as Martin and me got out. Than Dr went back to Ponyville.

We were in the Great Hall now and Vampire, Matthias, Mortimer, Socrates, and every1 else were there. Matthias and Vampire ran 2 me.

"Ranoma!" Matthias explained. "We thought you were dead!"

"no I just went back in time instead," I exclaimed. "What happened with Asmodeus,"

Vampire said, "Well, after the blighter bit you, Matthias took the jolly old sowrd an' killed 'im, wot wot!"

"Here this is rightfully yours," Matthias said as he handed the sword to me.

"Fangz," I said gothically. "Now we'll be ready for Clooney when he comes back!"

But then suddenly Martin started to change. He changed into a giant rat with an evil tail and red eyes and everything. He had turned into… Clooney da Scurge!

All at once I understood. Clooney had actually bin Martin the whole time! That was why he got sacred in the book when he saw the tapestry of Martin, because he was reminded of his past self!

"I knew who thou really were all along," Cluny evilled. "Now I shall kill thee all!" Thunder and lightning went everywhere and his army of rats came all over the room.

But Matthias shooted "Vermin won't take our homes because we fight w!" and he and Vampire and Frank Einstein both took out black guns. But Clooney took out his own one.

"Save us Ramona!" Mortimer bagged.

I was scared but not in an afraid way. I just wanted 2 go back to my room and cut myself and watch Shark Attck 3. But I knew I had to do something more impotent.

"REALDWALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" I shooted.


	15. Chapter 15

DIS IS IT… THE LAST CHAPTA OF DA GRATEST REDWAL FANFICTION EVER MAID.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was fighting Clooney and I had the sword of Martin but he had brought his own sowrd of Martin from the past. We fought all over the Abbey and then I went up to the Bell Tower where the Joesph Bell was.

"CUM DOWN RANOMA!" Clooney yielded.

"No!" is aid.

"No?" he sayed.

"No," I spayed, "Bcuz if I cum your gonna kill m3!"

Then all of a suddenly Clooney grabbed Matthias. "Now I hath your little friend," he evilled. "Cum now or I'll spike him like a lollypoop!"

I was sew mad and sad. I didn't know what to do. Then I had an idea.

"I'll cum down if u let Maatthias go!" I said.

"Ranoma, don't!" cried Matthias.

"All right," Clooney said. "I shall let thy firend go if thou wilt cum down."

He did let Matthias go, but I didn't cum. Instead… I cut the rope that held the Jo Bell and it felled on Clooney and killed him!

Then I finally came, all over the floor. "I kept my premise to you, Clooney," I said. "I told you that if you let Matthias go I would come down! But b4 I came I cut the Joesph Bell and killed u because you are a vermin and a stupid prep!1111" But Clooney couldn't here me because he was dead.

"OMFG, Ramona!" said Matthias. "U saved my lif!1"

"You're a blinkin' heroe, wot!" said Vampire Stage Hare.

Well then we had a goffik party to celebrate Cluny's death and also Abbot Molderore's death. (He had dyed in the battle to.) We were all so happy that those preps were dead and we danced to Evanescence and MCR and we ate burgers and cheese ad pizza and other tasti. At one point I sawed Formole and Ambrose Snape dragging Clooney's body away. I had a pretty good idea of what they were gonna do with it but I didn't care. Clooney was finally dead and now I could just do it with Matthias all da tim.

That night Matthias and I went up 2 my room. He put his boy's thingy in my you-know-what n we finally HAD SEX.

"I love you TaRamona," he whispered.

THE EHEND

PS: All u preps can just dye! Ramona isn't a Maru Su! And this was not a troll fic! Is was an original storey and I was not copy anybody! And my necks story will be a crossover between Redwall and My Little Pony. LOOK 4 IT!


End file.
